Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jewidess' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, January 27th, 2011
12:57 am	Myths Men Believe About Women That Need To Be Put To Rest In our increasingly sexualized culture, men are arriving beliefs about typical female behavior and desire that seem to have come (and not in the orgasm sense) straight out of bad porn movies or the 1950s. In the interest of promoting better understanding (well maybe) between the sexes and possibly helping guys to not have unrealistic expectations of their wives, girlfriends, and one-night stands. Here are six myths that the world would be better off without. 1) We love giving blowjobs. Sorry but we don't. What is true is that you love getting blowjobs and we love (or like or deign to sleep with) you so we want to make you happy, which is why we give you blowjobs. We do not, however, feel an overpowering need to have a phallus in our mouths and when we are single we do not spend time sucking on our dildos. This means when we go down, you should thank us because we do it for you. 2) We are all secretly bisexual. While it is probably true that there are more bisexual women in the world than bisexual men, the majority of us still pick one team or the other. This means your straight girlfriend is probably not going to make out with another girl regardless of whether or not you are watching. It also means that lesbians, no matter how attracted you may be to them, are not attracted to you and are not waiting for you to show them the joys of penile penetration. (Or blow jobs for that matter). 3) It's easy to get us to agree to three-ways. When most guys envision a three way they picture two girls and one very lucky guy. This view is somewhat unrealistic given that women are generally pretty jealous (men are aware of this, much to their chagrin) and the last thing we want to see is some other ho all over our man. Especially because we are aware of the risk that the other ho will hang around for more than just one awkward night and end up stealing you from us. There are a small minority of guys who are used to sharing EVERYTHING with their best friend, including possibly simultaneous use of the same woman. We won't necessarily go for this either. We are quite aware that both you and your best friend are probably both heavier and stronger than we are and handling only one of you is difficult enough. Both at once could be downright dangerous. 4) We all want to be dominated/raped. While there are some women who do want to be dominated, some of us want to dominate you, and some of us want to make love as equals (yeah I know that one is not easy to accomplish but when it works it's amazing) so you can't really make a generalization about the preferences of all of us. Also not all girls who like it rough, want to be dominated. Plenty of us give as good as we get. Even among women who enjoy being dominated very few of us genuinely want to be raped. (The whole point of rape is that it is not wanted). Scores of relationships have been ruined when a couple attempts to act out a girl's 'rape fantasy' and she finds out too late that it really was not what she wanted after all. 5) We want someone who will protect and look after us Now don't get us wrong, we love that you help us out and would certainly be grateful if you saved us from something dangerous but we don't want you to do this all the time. As much as we value your help, we also value our independence and having to rely on you for everything would destroy our self worth. Just like you would probably feel emasculated if we kept you, we feel 'defeminated' if you keep us. Caveat: There are some women who do want to be always kept, looked after, and protected from everything but they tend to be gold-diggers, fluffballs, or princesses, and are best avoided. 6) We're really impressed by your penis. This isn't to say we aren't impressed by what you can do with it, because we are and we love when you use it to make us very happy, but we don't care nearly as much as you do about the actual organ itself. As long as you use it properly we really do not care if it's big, small, or medium, and we get pretty tired of having to reassure you that it compares favorably with every other penis we've ever seen. Also since cock size does not vary that much from one man to another when you hear us exclaim: "Wow! It's so big!" we're probably just telling you what you want to hear. Sort of like when you tell us that we don't look fat in that dress. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 4th, 2010
11:31 pm	Food that I think is irredeemably nasty. When I was younger I was an exceedingly picky eater, though thankfully I have broadened my horizons a bit since then. (Well except for a major narrowing on the part of meat products but we'll ignore that for now). However I still remain pretty fussy as this list can attest to. In making this list there was a large amount of cultural bias involved as it only includes food that the average Californian is likely to encounter (I'm sure other cultures are capable of producing nasty food as well along the lines of haggis, tripe, uni, escargot, trepang, whale blubber, monkey brains, smoked mopani worms, sweet breads, 100 year old eggs, duck fetuses, fruitcake, brains and eggs, and unholy combinations of blood and milk but thankfully I don't expect to have many encounters with those during my lifetime). It also emphasizes food that tend to become ingredients in other dishes where I must then either pick them out or put on a brave face while eating them. Therefore beef jerky and jello molds are also omitted because while they are certainly nasty, they are easier to avoid than most things on this list. 1) Jalapeños: I firmly believe that spicy peppers should be somewhere between yellow and red on the color wheel. In any event they should not be a nasty shade of swamp green. Furthermore the taste of spicy peppers should be all spice and no vegetable as opposed to the lame compromise that jalapeños try to enact. Furthermore jalapeños are frequently pickled which brings us to... 2) Anything that has been pickled: I'm a biologist so I don't like to eat any food that I might see floating in a glass jar - it looks too much like a specimen. I also have a marked aversion to the taste or smell of excessive amounts of brine/vinegar. The color of this unholy potion also resembles the urine of something that is seriously sick. 3) Cucumbers: I don't like the watered-down vegetable flavor, I don't like how they can be crunchy and mushy at the same time, and I don't like the way they smell. Furthermore once cucumbers are added to a dish, in my mind it is ruined because even if you pick out every single one of these nasty vegetable interlopers they've already leaked their filth fluid all over the rest of the food. Luckily for me boycotting these botanical abominations is not likely to have adverse effects on my health because they have absolutely no nutritional value. 4) Papaya: A triple threat - it smells like feet, tastes like death, and I break out in a rash if it gets anywhere near my skin. 5) Sausage: As said earlier, I'm not that carnivorous to begin with but I can reconcile myself to most forms of animal flesh as long as it is free range and organic. Sausages however, are impossible. It's hard for me to want to eat something that started out as an assortment of random animal parts that probably don't look too appealing to begin with that are then ground up, mixed together and somehow solidified into a cylinder. Furthermore this strange meat product has a nasty tendency to show up in pasta sauce or pizza that I had previously believed was vegetarian. 6) Red or purple cabbage: The idea of cabbage was never that appealing to begin with as it smells bad and then makes people who eat it smell bad. Pickling it and adding mayo to make cole slaw certainly does not improve the situation in my mind. Living in San Diego reconciled me to the idea of greenish-whitish cabbage when served on fish tacos but the red/purple varieties continue to freak me out. Especially because I swear the color bleeds into the salad dressing. 7) Bleu cheese: I try not to eat things that have already gone moldy, I don't like the taste, and I'm not sure I approve of how it's spelled either. 8) Hard boiled eggs: Between the rubbery texture, the brimstone odor, and the fact that they're usually served cold I don't see anything to like about this Easter tradition that is really better for dyeing than eating. I also don't like that as a 'vegetarian' I am frequently offered an egg-salad sandwich which combines this unpleasant ingredient with large amounts of mayo. 9) Peeps: Okay so these things don't usually sneak into other dishes (thank god) but they are nasty enough to merit a separate mention. They're so sweet that not even I like them (and that's saying something) and have a weird chemically aftertaste. Also they're made with gelatin which certainly doesn't help their case. 10) Any kind of mayonnaise based salad (with the exception of tuna): This gives away that I don't completely hate mayonnaise because it is a key ingredient in a well made tuna salad (well made here means a roughly 1 part mayo for every 10 parts tuna) and can also be nice on a sandwich or on french fries if you're Dutch/Belgian and not overly concerned about cardiovascular health. However potato salad, egg salad, macaroni salad, and carrot and raisin salad (I don't know whose idea that one was) all rank as inedible filth in my mind. I can't even attempt to justify it but I always regard them as the worst part of any picnic. Maybe they're just too slimy/grainy/cold. They're also way too high a risk of food poisoning. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
7:30 pm	I swear I just use this site to make lists Anyway here are some more 'gems' Things little kids have right: 1) Bathroom humor is hilarious. 2) The cookie that fell on the floor still tastes fantastic. 3) If you don't get your way at first shouting can be quite effective. 4) Some food is better thrown than eaten. (Key categories here include members of the brassica family, fruitcake, and meat products where the animal they came from cannot be determined). 5) Grandma's new boyfriend really is an idiot. 6) There is no such thing as an inappropriate occasion for superhero outfits. (A towel cape will do in a pinch if your family didn't love you enough to buy you an actual superhero outfit). 7) Sharing is overrated. Quotes I've been known to use that come across as somewhat psychopathic 1) "Stolen food always tastes better" 2) "I'm trying to save money so now I don't buy my own drinks" 3) "Good aim and bad intentions accomplishes a lot more than the other way around." 4) "Good girls get into heaven bad girls get in everywhere". 5) "When in a disagreement always take the higher ground - it's easier to piss on your opponent's head from up there." 6) "A good friend will bail you out of jail while your best friend sits in the cell with you saying 'wow, that was crazy'". 7) "Well behaved women rarely make history" -Emma Goldman 8) "Men are like dogs the only difference between a smart one and a dumb one is that a smart one can figure out how to get into the garbage." 9) "Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." 10) "It's better to ask forgiveness than permission." -My Mom (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
12:16 pm	Stuff done by one sex and not the other Okay for this I'm only talking about heterosexuals. I also know that this is the 21st century and there are plenty of women who enjoy doing stereotypically 'manly' things like playing with fire or power tools or going cliff diving. There are also plenty of men that enjoy doing stereotypically 'girly' things such as baking cookies or shopping (even GASP! for shoes). However even as a feminist I must admit there are some traits that are still peculiar to one sex or another exclusively. I'll avoid discussing the obvious biological or fashion related categories and instead discuss the annoying or bizarre behaviors that belong exclusively to men or to women. Things done by many women but no men: 1) Using a tissue box cover. (I have no idea why we do this, tissues come in a perfectly good box to begin with). 2) Making a fancy centerpiece for a dinner party. (I feel like women who do this need to focus more on the cooking and less on how the table looks). 3) Putting candelabras on the table. (According to my dad this is annoying because it makes it hard to read the sports page at the table). 4) Planning surprise parties (okay this one isn't annoying but it is fair to say that guys don't do it. The closest they ever do is show up at someone's house unexpectedly with a six pack of PBR). 5) Get baby shoes bronzed. (The truly cutesy-wutesy seems to belong only to women. Personally I think we should only engage in this activity if we have a legitimate need for another paper weight). 6) Have a puppies and kittens calendar. (Okay I'll admit that they're cute but twelve months of them seems a bit excessive). 7) Use 'fat' as a synonym for depressed: As in "I'm feeling fat today." (This is one of the most annoying things we do because it blurs the line between physical and emotional characteristics and implies that it's impossible for fat people to be happy) 8) Willingly watch Disney Princess movies after the age of ten. (Note: For this example Aladdin doesn't count as a Disney Princess movie because it's about more than just Jasmine, Sleeping Beauty and all the rest of them, however, do). 9) Put little charm thingies on our cell phones. (I don't why we do this, probably as an excuse for more things that look like cute puppies and kittens). 10) Allow someone to put hot wax near our reason for existence (We undergo this painful process in the name or hair removal. There are guys who also engage in 'shrub management' but they seem to feel like they can do well enough with a razor). Things done by many men but no women: 1) Bumping their friend's car, with their own car, deliberately, while both cars are moving. (I don't know why they do this but I know they usually regret the decision to try this on anyone female). 2) Taking aim at their neighbor's cat, with a slingshot. (Guys seem to think animal cruelty doesn't count when it was done with a slingshot). 3) Pouring sour cream down the butt crack on their passed out friend. (I still haven't worked out why a supposedly straight male would want to spend that much time looking at the ass of another male). 4) Grabbing their crotch in public (most women learn that this is considered impolite by the time we turn 7, most men seem to have missed that lesson). 5) Have contests over genitalia. (Everybody's heard of the infamous measuring contests but I am also sad to say I have witnessed a 'numb-nuts' contest. It involved two guys seeming who could immerse his testicles in a snow-melt fed creek for the longest). 6) Listen to Meatloaf. (They can't seem to work out that girls don't like listening to some creepy fat guy singing about how he's praying for the end of time). 7) Make a big deal over not being the first to put on a jacket. (At some point admitting that you're cold became unmanly which doesn't make sense. If a guy is cold he should just put on a jacket and get it over with). 8) Name their genitalia (Most guys name their penises. Most of them choose something narcissistic and unoriginal like 'Spike'. I have yet to encounter a girl who has named her vagina). 9) Be over the age of 15 and continue to spit in public. (The only reason a girl past this age would spit in public is if a bug flew into her mouth). 10) Cop a feel and then run like hell. (Girls sometimes also make inappropriate grabs but we stick around to see what happens rather than running like scared kangaroos.) Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 8th, 2009
8:50 pm	How to be good in bed  Okay, modern society seems to be very stressed out about sexual performance these days but this stress is totally unnecessary. Why? Because humans are genetically wired to like sex so it is very easy to be good in bed, it's actually much harder to perform poorly. People who are bad in bed frequently are that way because they are either too stubborn to listen to their partner's suggestions or because they aren't confident enough to as Pepper would say "put our minds away and let our hormones do the rest". However, for those of you that are still concerned I have provided a helpful list. 1) Ask your partner what they like and do it: Nobody knows better than they do, the quickest and most obvious way to make them happy. 2) Tell your partner what you like: odds are they're working hard to please you so why not make it easier for them. It takes the stress off of them which means they'll enjoy things more too. 3) Don't point out flaws (yours or theirs): Chances are that you don't have a perfect body and neither do they. Get over it! You fuck with the body you have, not with the one you wish you had and chances are while you both are seeing the stars with your eyes closed neither of you will care about your squishy stomach or their bony butt. Also pointing out your flaws will naturally make them feel less happy about being in bed with you and pointing out theirs is just mean. If you're that worried about how you look naked stop whining and start exercising more. It will make you feel better about yourself and also improve your stamina. 4) Do kiegels: If you're female doing kiegels makes you tighter and also enhances your enjoyment, both of these are likely to make your partner happier. If you're male this is harder to pull off but if executed properly they can let you orgasm without ejaculating which instantly catapults you to sex god status. 5) Start practicing yoga: not during the sexual act of course but taking yoga classes improve your flexibility which is never a bad thing in the bedroom. 6) Don't make comparisons unless your partner is the best you've ever had: otherwise you'll just hurt their feelings which isn't nice. 7) Don't ask your partner where you are on their list: If you weren't there best ever you don't want to get them started dwelling on their better one. Just help them enjoy the here and now. 8) Don't discuss your sordid past unless specifically asked about it: Otherwise you'll just make your partner jealous. 9) Don't ask your partner about their sordid past unless you are literally prepared to hear anything: Generally people aren't happy when you start getting jealous or judgmental. 10) Practice, practice, practice: needs no explanation. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 16th, 2009
9:05 pm	Things that women pretty much have to accept about love and lust  1) No matter how much or how little pubic hair we have (anything from the prepubescent fully shaved look to a scary 'fro below) there is at least one guy who thinks we have too little and at least one guy who thinks we have too much. If we are dating two guys at the same time odds are they will have opposite opinions. 2) If we want to get any guy worth having odds are we'll have to outcompete two girls our own age, one barely legal, and one cougar in order to get him. 3) Guys are going to ask for anal and rarely see "Would you like it if I stuck my fingers in your bum?" as a valid reason for saying no. (It's rare but even worse when they answer 'yes' to that rhetorical question). 4) Nobody has perfect gaydar and it's hard to recover when we realize that ours has lapsed. 5) Most guys cannot tell the difference between screams of pleasure and screams of pain. (Or else they just pretend not to). 6) If we find ourselves single on New Year's Day, we are likely to stay that way until after February 14th. Single men are much better at remembering Valentine's Day than taken ones are. Guys are only capable of remembering this holiday in order to dodge it. 7) Sometimes we will be bitchy for no good reason and when we realize we have done this it is better to apologize than to make lame excuses for having done so. 8) Even if we don't hear our proverbial ticking clock our friends and relatives do and will inform us. 9) Simultaneous orgasms only ever really occur in porn and romance novels. 10) In spite of all the aggravation pleasure's almost always worth the pain. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
4:37 pm	News that makes me hope there is a hell  The skull fragment that was supposedly Hitler's turned out to belong to a woman under the age of forty. This means that one of the best known pieces of evidence existing for the idea that he killed himself towards the end of World War Two no longer applies. This also means that peopel are trotting out the "What if he escaped?" theory again. And that is what annoys me beyond belief. I'm not concerned that the führer might still be alive. I don't think anyone has lived to be 120 yet anyway. It's more that I really liked thinking that in the end, somehow, he got what was coming to him. The idea of him escaping to Argentina and dying of old age is frankly appalling and thinking about it makes me sick.  I'm not normally fond of any form of violence, but Hitler belonged to a select group of humans that probably deserve violent deaths. It's also frustrating when members of this group don't actually get them. This probably makes me hypocritical but in my defense I would also willingly accept them being tried, made to answer for their crimes, found guilty, and forced to spend the rest of their lives in jail as public curiosities. Of course, that unfortunately doesn't happen often. Anyway, on the off-chance that Hitler didn't die in the bunker and went on to live a long life in hiding, I really hope that there's an afterlife and that he's being punished as we speak. Ideally in some Dante-esque situation where he is strung up and being poked by demons with unspeakable weapons in impolite orifices. I also imagine he's not alone there having such illustrious characters as Stalin and Pol Pot to keep him company and hopefully be subjected to the same treatment.  I like to think that eventually everyone has to answer for what they've done. Current Mood: vindictive (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 22nd, 2009
9:37 pm	Cover Your Balls  Today's entry discusses a universally painful subject - men getting kicked in the crotch. While most men who have experienced this unfortunate event would prefer not to think about it, it has nonetheless permeated many levels of society. My first observation is that when two men are in a fight, even if they are the two meanest drunks in town, they will never kick each other in the crotch. This is in spite of it's ability to inflict a great deal of pain in only one hit. Why is this? Because most fights between men are for status, which they believe will eventually enable them to have sex with more women and therefore maximize their reproductive success. For a man to win a fight by kicking his opponent in the crotch, he would be considered by society to be 'fighting dirty' and would lower his status rather than raise it. This however, would bring up the question of 'Why is kicking someone in the crotch specifically considered to be fighting dirty'? Although it is obviously painful it is less likely to result in long term injury than several other techniques which are considered legitimate - say punching one's opponent in the throat or a swift kick to the kneecap. The most obvious reason I can see for this is that while the throat and the kneecap are difficult targets, a man's crotch is literally right in the middle of everything. This means that kicking a man in the crotch is considered 'fighting dirty' for the same reason as is hitting one's opponent while his back is turned. It's just too easy. A third question is: 'Why are any fighting techniques considered dirty at all? Why isn't the last man standing automatically the winner?' The answer in this is because fights between male humans are contests for status (and therefore mates) rather than survival. A man who wins a fight is signaling to females in the community that he has high reproductive fitness and they should choose him as a mate. Females of any species, however, won't choose their mates on the basis of just any signal. They make sure that they pick an 'honest' one, which cannot be faked. A man who wins a fight using 'legitimate' techniques is demonstrating his strength, stamina, or agility. All of these are traits which a female would want for her offspring and have a high genetic component. If a man, however, wins a fight using 'dirty' techniques it only demonstrates that he is devious. Females do not necessarily want devious offspring and even if this is a desirable trait it is less clearly heritable than strength or agility and thus less useful as a signal. Humans therefore operate on the same principals as stickleback fish in which males use red coloration and aggressive behavior to demonstrate their strength. Weak male sticklebacks cannot appear stronger by artificially reddening themselves because they would have to fight more often than they could survive to back their new coloration up. Male humans are similar because although they could 'artificially' win fights this would not bring them the higher status and mating success that they desire. My second observation about men getting kicked in the crotch is that women invariably find it hilarious. Is this because all women are man-hating sadists? The sadist part is probably true but the man-hating part probably not. Rather, the vulnerability of the male reproductive organs is the one great equalizer that evolution has given to the fairer sex. Women are smaller, weaker, and slower than men. While there are some exceptions to this rule the general trend remains. This means that most women, barring those with extensive combat training or seriously fucked up childhoods, will lose a fight against any male opponent if they fight by purely 'legitimate' means. However, with one kick in the crotch the weakest woman can reduce the strongest man to falsetto and the fetal position. Women therefore are amused by men getting kicked in the crotch because it demonstrates the effectiveness of our one reliable defense. My last observation on this rather uncomfortable subject is that while women are amused by men getting kicked in the crotch men do not feel the same way about women getting hit in the boob. This is even though as far as I can tell without having male reproductive organs, getting hit in the boob is not nearly as painful. This is probably because men do not frequently feel the need to defend themselves against aggressive females. Also in the rare occasions that men attempt to fend off such attackers they can rely on superior size and strength rather than hitting sensitive areas. Finally, the average man, even if he is an ass-man or a foot-fetishist spends significantly more time fantasizing about breasts  than the average woman does fantasizing about penises. This may mean that to a man, punching a boob would be on par with spray painting the Mona Lisa. Or even worse - after all you can't grab a painting in the Louvre without getting arrested. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 19th, 2009
4:08 pm	Commandments for the Surf Industry  While I can hardly claim to be an industry insider or even a surfer that should be paid that much attention to (unless you're being stupid too paddle out directly behind me when a cleanup set is approaching) but that doesn't mean I don't get to write commandments. I have been surfing for eight years though so I have experienced first hand some of the annoying industry practices which justifies railing against them. Plus I like making commandment lists. 1) If thou callest thyself a surf shop thou shalt have a minimum of 25 boards for sale. If thou haveth less thou shalt call thyself "t-shirt shop with some boards" 2) Thou shalt always have someone prepared to sell boards in thy shop. Thou shalt not tell thy customers "the guy who knows about boards isn't here today try coming back tomorrow". 3) If thou makest tufflites thou shalt understand the properties of the material and not maketh them too thick. 4) Hide not the true nature of thy boards. If thou makest boards without stringers (tufflites, epoxies, TL2s or carbon fibers) thou shalt not paint a line down the middle. 5) Let not more than seven sunsets pass before a ding repair is completed if thou chargeth a fee. 6) Thou shalt have no gods before the Ocean. Decorate not thy boards with symbols of other lesser faiths. (That means you everybody who insists on putting jesus fish on their boards). 7) Thou shalt not paint over a damaged board to sell it as new to a gullible kook. Even if thou thinkest that he/she really deservest it. 8) Thou shalt have the tools and materials necessary to repair any type of board that thy selleth on thy premises. 9) Thou shalt selleth swimsuits that can realistically be worn under a wetsuit without leading to horrendous chafing. 10) Thou shalt not expect thy customers to pay extra for a board just because a pro may have once owned it. Would thou expect them to pay extra for a wetsuit that a pro may have peed in? Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Friday, June 19th, 2009
6:29 pm	It's Amazing What You Find While Cleaning Your Desk  This pretty much says it all. I'm attempting to clean the room I share with my sister (not a task for the fainthearted in and of itself) and I found this list on my desk. I think I was playing word association or something but I have no idea when I wrote it down. If nothing else it shows that I've pretty much always been weird. Phoenicopterus ruber ruber riot on the radio confusion eleventh hour amber blooms Big Buc Amberbrown I don't even care Quicksilver sliptstream initial public offering magnificent inferior human organs sleep deprivation feigned menstruation not yet get wet when and where run and hide terrified fuzz box Federal Bureau of Investigation screaming, screaming, screaming thin air obesity so long and goodnight scared of thunder climbers like lean greyhounds self promotion mudfalcon gyrfalcon rivermouth domoic acid Toxoplasma Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 11th, 2009
12:33 pm	Things I Actually Like that Many People Don't  I still have an opinion about everything but some of them are positive. Which is good because I've probably been too negative lately. I'll leave assorted bands out of this because we already know my taste in music is bad. 1) condoms - protect against STDs and babies (which may also be STDs). I also don't think there's much an improvement to be gotten by going without them. 2) seatbelts - Yet another useful safety precaution. Seriously reduce your odds of dying in an accident and going without them doesn't make riding in a car any more exciting. 3) sunscreen - yes it makes you look stupid for a day and keeps you from getting a tan but prevents you from being a camarón sin cola for a week afterward and also saves you from having to worry about skin cancer later in life. 4) Knowing that my parents still have sex - I don't like to think about it in graphic detail but I find it reassuring that people in their fifties can still get it on. 5) Asian guys - no body hair, cute eyes, and usually good complexions. 6) Coca Cola - Okay this only includes stuff from countries other than the US because it doesn't taste good unless it's made with real sugar but when it is it's delicious. (Health and sustainability be damned!) 7) Girly drinks - I think I just really like sugary stuff. 8) Deserts - Okay so they don't have the lushness of tropical rainforests but they have pretty rock formations, lots of cool lizards, and sometimes Joshua Trees. 9) Being checked out - Okay so really pretty girls complain that 'men are pigs' whenever their T&A gets ogled but since I'm rarely admired I appreciate whatever I can get. 10) Peeing beside the road - Don't have to wait to find a gas station and don't have to deal with a disgusting gas station restroom one I get there. Note: I don't appreciate when 9 and 10 are combined but thankfully that doesn't happen often. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
11:59 am	Things I think guys should never do  Yes I have opinions about everything. 1) Have a beard - Occasionally there are exceptions to this rule and it's an improvement in terms of texture but generally beards lead to chafing in all of the wrong places. Also guys with beards are way more likely to have intense amounts of body hair, which I don't support at all. 2) Wear axe - On the upside it gives every girl a way to identify tools by smell. 3) Drink massive quantities of beer before sex - Will make him smell bad and more likely to belch and less likely to get it up. Bad. Bad. Bad. 4) Be circumcised - Okay this one's a little harsh because most guys who are had their genitals mutilated before they had any say about it, but nonetheless in terms of aesthetics (and going completely against my Jewish ancestry) I prefer guys who still have their foreskins. 5) Refuse to have sex with a girl because she's on her period - yeah the blood is gross but it also lubricates. Also guys can just pretend that she's a virgin (they bleed too and that doesn't seem to bother anyone). 6) Smoke - Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray and being licked by a smoker is like... 7) Hold their girl's head - If you have a problem with the technique just say so. Head holding invariably leads to hair pulling and that's never sexy. 8) Have a problem with their girl paying for stuff/making more money than they do - It's the 21st century it happens sometimes. Just consider yourself lucky. 9) Marry a virgin/save himself for marriage - like buying a car without test driving it first. 10) Dislike traveling - means he probably won't be adventurous in other way either. 11) Think that girls who give it up on the first night are sluts and not worth sustaining a relationship with - Maybe she just likes sex and doesn't like playing games. Shouldn't that be a good thing. Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
1:21 am	Fashion Things That Piss Me Off  These are in no particular order but they are ten fashion related things that make me want to climb walls in the worst and least kinky sort of way. 1) Town gowns - They are like sun dresses but go all the way down to your feet. This means they aren't dress enough for formal occasions but still drag in the sand and get filthy if you wear them to the beach. 2) Dresses with empire waists - basically these are dresses with NO waist that makes any girl look like she is trying to hide a bulgy stomach regardless of whether or not she has one. I will admit my figure is not the greatest but I'll take my chances it something tight that shows off my curves rather than anything that makes me look like I'm round under it. 3) Ugg boots worn with short skirts or shorts - Are you cold or warm? Make up your god damn mind! 4) Trucker hats - Why would anyone deliberately dress like a hick? 5) bubble hem skirts - make anyone look fat. That's pretty much all there is to be said. 6) sanuk shoes (as opposed to flip flops) - make anybody's feet look really wide. 7) platform sparkly espadrilles - you think you look like a greek goddess I think you look like TJ's cheapest whore. That means you sorority girls. 8) grills - you don't look gangsta you look wangsta 9) men in tank tops - nobody looks good that way. There are no exceptions to this rule and I don't care if you call it a wifebeater or a muscle shirt. It's still a tank top. 10) Clumsily modified t-shirts - yes cutting it up makes it skimpier but it also makes you look trashier. Current Mood: thoughtful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 25th, 2009
3:14 pm	Commandments for Musicians  I am one of the first to admit that I have VERY bad taste in music. I offer as proof of this that one of my favorite bands is the Red Hot Chili Peppers and I also enjoy Rise Against, but I make no apologies for this. Or that I consider almost all songs about sex to be awesome (the lewder the better). That said many characteristics of songs that many people enjoy bother the crap out of me and vice versa so here's what musicians would have to follow if I ran the world. 1) Thou shalt not have guitar solos which last longer than 1 minute (that means you Led Zeppelin). 2) Thou shalt not have songs with no lyrics (we'll make an exception for Dick Dale here) but lyrics in languages I don't speak are acceptable. 3) Thou shalt not have songs with instrumental segments longer than segments with lyrics (that means you jam bands). 4) Thou shalt not have unintelligible lyrics (that means you Seattle grunge bands). Unintelligent lyrics however, are acceptable. 5) Thou shalt not sing off-key deliberately (that means you Janis Joplin). 6) Thou shalt never feature circus music in thy songs nor shalt thou dress as a ring-master (shame on T-Payne and Panic at the Disco also Rise Against found it necessary to spoil the otherwise awesome 'Entertainment' with that). 7) Thou shalt not include thy musical influences in thy liner notes. It's pretentious (once again I'm forced to hate on Rise Against a bit and also Sublime). 8) The titles of thy songs shalt not be a paragraph long (That means you Sufjan Stevens). 9) Thou shalt include at least one non-depressing song on each album (that means you Rob Crow). 10) Thou shalt not desert thy ska band to make lame pop music (That means you Gwen Stefani). Musicians everywhere take note. Current Mood: righteous (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
11:58 am	Thoughts on the Chili Peppers They are pretty fortunate as a band if there songs are anything to go by. Well, minus the whole drug addiction and getting upset by the state of world affairs thing. As far as I can tell they haven't written a single song about wanting revenge on someone or unslaked lust. Lucky bastards. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
12:08 pm	Open Letter to All Male Boaters Okay, I know that male humans are justifiably proud of their ability to pee standing up, but there are times when they should probably swallow their pride tuck it behind and sit down. Namely when they are using the bathroom on a dive boat that is traveling at high speeds through choppy water and bouncing all over the place. This seems to affect their aim just a little bit and means that whoever wants to use the bathroom next has to cope with very wet wall, sinks, toilet paper etc. It's disgusting. And guys if you can't bear the thought of sitting, do the really male thing and pee off the back of th boat. The oceans a big target and much harder to miss and I don't think the fish are as squeamish as I am. Current Mood: quixotic (Comment on this)
Monday, April 16th, 2007
11:09 pm	My Room According to Laura Laura Fleisch 4/17/07 Exercise 2 – postmodern hyperspace   The Room               The building was built in the late 1960’s, the beginning of what would later become one of the best colleges in California.  Seen as both modern and innovative, the walls on the outside were made to look like they were made of wood, masking the feeling of imprisonment they often invoke.  The ironic legend is that the school, since it is named after The Tramp himself, made the buildings out of concrete to save trees – yet trees were needed to make all the molds for the cement.              This irony often shifts over to a much less visible space.  Less visible from the outside that is, for the blinds are often closed, the only visible color is the bright red piece of fabric in the window.  Maybe it is placed there to act like a stop sign, flagging down passersby, declaring itself not as a room of the past but a vehicle for the future.  After all, college is the path for the future.  Without this blatant cry for attention and abnormality, the room from the outside looks the same drab concrete grey of a lie.  Conservation – hah.             The irony of the irony is that the occupant is an avid envirogal.  Not only passionate about saving the environment, but willing to use it for her personal pleasure.  Her clothes hang from p-cord, almost emulating the leafy branches of the trees in Yosemite where Muir himself walked his own path.  The chords also emulate the trees in her mind and the struggle to separate themselves from the norm, the want to break free and create a world that is more than the simple building that has been around for 40 years.              Uniqueness is the key.  Not uniqueness even, but difference.  A poster of blown up and irregular faces highlights the east wall.  These faces have large mouths, multiple eyes, and an almost space-age appearance, crying for attention and acceptance at the same time.  Acceptance not only by the surfing and bird posters on the wall, but acceptance at its weirdness and obscurity.  The room is simple and yet complex.  Simple in it’s means and it’s accommodations, the room has the necessary furniture for any student who is just waiting for the future to start.  Yet the simplicity blends to complexity as each simple item screams meaning.  The small seal statue sits on an eraser, poised for action, butt facing the room’s occupant as if to state his distaste for his placement.  Outdoor equipment is laid out, out of necessity but with the hidden meaning of being used to showcase the rivalry against the constant reminder of the enclosing rules and constraints that the outdoors never brings.             Even though the room is a stop on the journey to the freedom of the future, the past is still blatantly displayed in a simple bear.  This bear could signify the homesickness that many college students feel.  The bear could be a tribute to the animals that cause so much trouble with campers every year.  Or the bear could be an impulse, an item that simply cannot leave the sight of the occupant because it is one of the only connections to the past that is rapidly being left behind.  The strings that attaches it to its master are much like the p-cords, willing to display their surface use but awakening questions about the true meaning for its placement.             The focal point – according to the occupant – is a poster of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  Three of the men look naked, prompting a feeling of awkwardness if stared at long enough.  One man has his eyes raised to the ceiling – not to God, for that would be too simplistic and too modern and too predictable.  The eyes are raised to the p-chords, to the splattering of identity that surrounds the world of clothing trees and fuzzy bears and beach ball wannabe heads and proof of outdoor involvement.  The eyes could also be raised in mid-roll, annoyed at the clashing of the past, present, and future, and how all three somehow materialize in a space that is hardly visible from the outside. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Monday, April 9th, 2007
10:36 pm	My Dream Jeopardy Categories I've been reading Microserfs and am beginning to wonder what my dream jeopardy categories would be. I like the book okay, but I'm glad I never had to do anything English-classy for it. Anyway my categories would probably be: Impure Thoughts Surfing Lyrics to songs by the Red Hot Chili Peppers Past and present public figures I dislike and what I would do to them if given the chance Marine biology Stupid comebacks and puns My crazy family Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 1st, 2007
2:29 pm	A Tribute to Those Bad Beer Commercials I love Dawn patrol at Black's, Greasy salty snacks, Being bad Jewish, AND FISH I love Hiking through the dirt Guys without their shirts Diving at Shores and...FISH AND I LOVE YOU TOO! Current Mood: creative (Comment on this)
Friday, February 16th, 2007
11:49 pm	Busted Pervmonkeys Driving past Scripp's and watching the male surfers change has long been one of the favorite activities of my friends and me. Usually my friends have a bit of an edge since they aren't driving the car and can ogle with impunity. I can't because I have to not cause a car crash, but I usually solve this problem by driving really slowly. Unfortunately today in addition to the usual gorgeous surfers there were two old fishermen in waders who quite clearly gave us the 'we know what you're up to you pervmonkeys' look. Damn. Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)